Articles
Articles about Stuart Baker-Brown.
BBC NewsTwo films are being launched in cinemas in England and online to challenge the misconception that all sufferers of schizophrenia are violent.
The move comes as a YouGov poll of 2,010 people found that more than a third held this belief.
Campaigners Time to Change said someone was as likely to be hit by lightning as be killed by a mentally ill person.
Figures released last week showed an increase in the number of murders committed by mentally ill people.
The National Confidential Inquiry reported 54 people were killed in England and Wales in 1997 and this had risen to more than 70 in both 2004 and 2005.
But it was murders by people who were not receiving treatment for their condition which accounted for the increase.
'Lunatic'
Time to Change, which is backed by the Big Lottery Fund and Comic Relief, is launching the films in a bid to combat mental health prejudice.
The first, called Schizo, begins in the style of a horror movie trailer with comments like "terrifying" and "chilling" from supposed film critics.
However, it ends with an ordinary-looking man named Stuart, making a cup of tea and talking about his illness.
Stigma and discrimination wrecks lives
Sue Baker, Time to Change
Schizophrenia: the horror movie
"Hi there, I'm sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting a lunatic with a knife or on some sort of rampage," he says.
"People like me with a diagnosis of mental illness face discrimination every day. Luckily for me, I have the support of friends and family to help me lead a full life."
The second film, Kids' Party, is subtitled "Schizophrenic man terrifies kids at party," but viewers go on to see a normal, happy occasion in which Stuart entertains the children with a giant spider made out of balloons.
Sue Baker, director of Time to Change, said: "Both films have been designed to attract members of the public who don't realise they are causing stigma and discrimination.
"One in four of us will have a mental health problem at some stage of our lives. It can happen to anyone.
"Stigma and discrimination wrecks lives. Yet everyone can make a change in their attitudes now."
'Prove myself'
Stuart Baker-Brown, who features in both films, said he wanted to show that people like him with schizophrenia did not conform to a stereotype.
"Helping to make the film has been part of a journey to take control of my life," he said.
"Rather than giving up I made a decision to change my life, which was borne out of a necessity to prove not only to myself and to all those around me, that a good level of both physical and mental recovery from schizophrenia is possible."
The YouGov poll was commissioned by Time to Change to coincide with the launch of the films.
BBC News-Schizo the Movie
Fresh evidence has emerged of the stigma surrounding mental health problems.
A poll by YouGov suggests that more than one in three of the public think people with schizophrenia are likely to be violent.
Two short films that challenge this misconception have been released.
They can be viewed online and will soon be screened in cinemas.
The opening frames create a mood of menace and tension -- with shifting shadows, eyes twitching, a jarring soundtrack, and the flashing banner "Schizo".
Bit by bit the camera edges closer to white creaky door.....
And then, behind it, there is Stuart - pouring a cup of tea, and talking about his life with schizophrenia.
"Hi there. I'm sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting a lunatic with a knife and some sort of rampage," he says.
He explains he was diagnosed with the condition 12 years ago.
Full life
He says many people with mental illness face prejudice, but that he had family and friends to help him lead a full life.
The film's director, Jonathan Pearson, says he wants to make people confront their own attitudes about mental illness and violence.
"It challenges it by using the typical conventions of a horror movie, and then half way through the film we change," he said.
"All the lights change from a horror section to a very inviting comfortable environment.
"So it has taken what you think, flipped it and used it against you."
The film is part of a wider campaign - called time to change - that has been set up to tackle the stigma surrounding mental health.
'Schizo' - a mental health anti-stigma trailer
The other film, called "Kid's Party" features Stuart "scaring" children with a giant spider made out of balloons.
Charities involved, including Mind, Rethink and Mental Health Media are exasperated over the way mental illness is often portrayed.
The Sun's "Bonkers Bruno locked up" headline about Frank Bruno is the most notorious example from news coverage.
But campaigners say films - like the Jim Carrey comedy "Me Myself and Irene" - can reinforce prejudice.
Campaigners point out that the risk of being killed by a psychotic stranger is about the same as a fatal lightning strike.
Initial wariness
Stuart Baker Brown, who plays himself in "Schizo", says people are often wary when they hear he's had mental health problems.
People associate schizophrenia and psychosis with people that attack or harm others - and I had the same misconceptions myself
I think the concern with violence is on most peoples mind," he said.
"I know that before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia that I also assumed the same thing, basically because of the press portrayal.
"People associate schizophrenia and psychosis with people that attack or harm others - and I had the same misconceptions myself."
For many years Stuart, now a writer and photographer, thought the KGB were out to get him.
He suspected that his family and friends were spying on him.
But far from wanting to harm others, he says he was terrified that people wanted to hurt him.
"It is very difficult to reassure people," he said.
"If people get to know me they start to have a far greater understanding of what schizophrenia is really about.
"They can see the gentle person, the person who tries to understand the person who has normal emotions."
The film, which is about a minute long, can be seen online.
Paul Corry, from the mental health charity Rethink, says he hopes it will make people think.
"We hope people are going to expect one thing and receive something different," he said.
"We hope that people are going to ask questions about that and say to the people that they're watching it with: 'Well, what do you think?'
"And then start a discussion, a debate about what the actual experience of living with a severe mental illness is like."
The Beautiful Creative Mind
Canadian Free Press. By Joshua Hill.
The 2001 movie starring Russell Crowe, A Beautiful Mind, portrayed the life of renowned scientist John Nash. The movie focused primarily on his battle with schizophrenia, and how it affected his life. Without a doubt, the movie once again brought to the fore the struggles facing sufferers of this mental impairment.
A BBC article recently published allowed Stuart Baker-Brown, a 43-year-old photographer and writer, the chance to share his story about his battle with schizophrenia and how it has helped him, rather than hindered him.
Schizophrenia is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality. Baker-Brown lists some of the symptoms that he has faced, including delusion and hallucinations, depression, paranoia and fear of persecution, among others as “very disabling and destructive” and have made his life “very difficult to cope with”.
However from Stuart Baker-Brown’s story come rays of inspiration for those of us not battled down by this illness and rays of hope for those who are.
He has used his illness as a means to enhance and propel his creative spirit. His writing and artwork are sometimes fueled by hallucinations. And, for many sufferers of this illness, their creative minds are always on.
Baker-Brown has turned his creative streak towards writing short stories, as well as a biographical entitled The Man Who Can, a story based upon his own life and journey through schizophrenia.
Sketches that he doodles down are images from within his hallucinations, and his photography--such as his shooting of Mount Everest--acquire added meaning, such as Everest becoming Mount Schizophrenia.
He starts off the article by saying that “In the past, schizophrenia has broken my life and taken away many of life’s opportunities, such as work and the ability to interact with society and family or even myself.”
However you can tell that Stuart Baker-Brown has already come to terms with an illness that would indeed set many of us back indefinitely.
That institutions such as East Carolina University, the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, and the National Institutes of Health in Britain are beginning to delve in to the links between schizophrenia and creativity only means further hope.
Mera Peak Journal.
Published by IRKED Magazine. Canada.
Stuart Baker-Brown, a tenacious mental health activist and long-time Irked contributor, was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1996. For many years he has courageously promoted his own positive recovery to help inspire and offer hope to all those who share his diagnosis. On October 12, 2008, Stuart flew from his home in the UK to Kathmandu, Nepal and attempted to reach the summit of Mera Peak. This is his story, in his own words and with his own photos…
October 13th 2008.
It is 1:32pm UK time. I am sitting here at Doha airport in Qatar. We had to return just under an hour into the flight to Kathmandu. The plane had technical difficulties and there was a lot of cabin pressure and the air conditioning stopped working. So, it was announced by the captain that for passenger safety the plane had to return back to Doha.
I was supposed to be arriving in Kathmandu at approx 8am Nepal time, and at this moment I have no idea when we will be boarding a new flight.
The adventure starts!
I can be superstitious, and at this moment I wonder if the unexpected return journey to Doha may be a sign my trek to Mera will not be successful and I should return home.
I get signs all the time, but fortunately they are always signs of hope—how a bird may fly, how the caw of a jackdaw sounds, how a flame of a fire may burn—signs all the time. But of hope. It is very unusual for me to receive signs of failure.
October 14th.
I eventually arrived at Tribhuvan airport Kathmandu at 4pm. I feel exhausted but it is great to be here. I had to wait at Doha for nearly 7 hours before another flight left for Nepal.
Martin Stirling from White Lantern Film met me at the airport. Martin is here to film my climb for White Lantern who are making a documentary about my life to help promote positive schizophrenia and my recovery.
Martin had arrived from London via Delhi some hours earlier.
I am now sitting in the Buddha Garden at the famous Kathmandu Guest House. The taxi ride to the hotel takes 40 minutes. The streets of Kathmandu, as always, are very busy, the smells of the spices entice and the colours and noise of the city are always so vibrant.
October 15th.
Martin and I have met with Nuru, my Sherpa Guide and friend, and the great Dorjee Sherpa. Dorjee has climbed Everest 30 times now. He is a good friend of Nuru’s, and whenever I am in Kathmandu Nuru brings Dorjee to meet me. I love this man. His strength is legendary in the climbing world. If I ever got the chance to climb Everest, Dorjee would be my lead Sherpa without doubt. He is so strong and 6?2? which is huge for a Sherpa. He has a huge smile to match.
Martin filmed Dorjee, Nuru and myself talking about the Himalayas and climbing.
Tomorrow we fly to Lukla at 6:30am. I feel very positive about the trek and feel very fit and emotionally very strong. I am worried about what should happen if I fail, and feel that if things are beyond my control, such as medication taking effect or bad weather, then I will do my best to recognise I have not failed. But if I fail through not being fit enough, then I could never forgive myself.
October 16th. Lukla. 2800m.
We have arrived at Lukla. The weather is very fine with clear blue sky. Already I can feel the lack of oxygen. The flight was pleasant having left Kathmandu Tribhuvan Airport this morning at 6:30am on a twin otter aircraft that seats approx 12 people. It feels so fantastic to be here once again amongst the mountains. I am forever in awe of their immense presence. As ever, the mountains have a great effect on me. They are like no other in the world.
I can always remember the emotional response I had when I first saw the Himalayas in 2003. When I looked to the mountains for the first time from the plane window, I said to myself, “if God was on earth, God would be here in the Himalayas.” That feeling is still with me. It is all so fantastic, so powerful, so inspiring and like no other place I have ever known.
We have heard the route to Mera is clear and free from snow and ice. This is great news and gives me confidence that I can achieve this climb. In 2006 the route was exhausting, the path was so tough due to ice and snow and was dangerous.
We have only been here for a few hours and already we have heard many stories of people being evacuated from both the Everest region and the Mera region. Martin has asked me a couple of times if I am I worried at all about the evacuations, does it cause me concern about the ascent? I just tell him I have heard it all before and it’s part of the territory that comes with these things.
Nuru is with us at the moment, but he will not lead the climb. He is injured at present and so we will be climbing with his cousin Mingma. Pasang Sherpa will be joining us too, both Mingma and Pasang are strong Sherpas, both have climbed Everest. Pasang has a very famous brother, Lhakpa Gelu Sherpa, who has climbed Everest in 12 hours! Pasang himself has climbed Everest in under 24 Hours.
We are to be joined by 10 porters. Their job is to carry food supplies and camping equipment. So, it looks like there will be 13 of us in all. 13 is a very lucky number here in Nepal, and represents the 13 steps to enlightenment in Buddhist faith.
We will stay here the night in a lodge to acclimatise, and then will leave tomorrow morning at approx 10am and make a 4 hour walk towards Chutenga, ascending to 3600m (Chutenga means place by the river side). We will walk through the lowland forest and set camp. The following day we will begin the ascent up into the mountains and then towards the dreaded Chetara La.
Intended route to Mera Peak:
Lukla to
Chutenga
Kharki-Teng
Zetara-Buk
Kothe
Taqnaq
Rest Day
Khare
Rest Day
Mera High Camp
Mera Summit
Khare
Kothe
Rest Day
Toktok
Zetara-Buk
Chutenga
Lukla
2:48pm.
Both Martin and I are now relaxing on our beds. The lodge rooms are very basic. We have heard the route to Mera is quite clear, and from what it sounds the trek should be somewhat easier than 2006. There is no snow or ice ‘en route.’ So that is excellent news!
I was hoping Nuru would lead the climb, but his foot is too painful having recently injured it in a climb. As he says—his feet are his living and he must take care of them. His feet feed his family!
7pm.
I think it truly pays to stay in Lukla at least one night to acclimatise. I am already adjusting to the high altitude. It is the best option to try and acclimatise, as so many people who start their trek straight after flying to Lukla suffer with mountain sickness.
At this moment I am looking forward to the ascent and feel quite confident about success. I just hope my very unhappy start, having money stolen in Kathmandu and my bad omen with my flight from Doha, will finish with a very happy end and the summit on Mera.
I do have concerns, such as sleep deprivation. We will not be in the most comfortable or warm conditions. Sleep deprivation causes stress and stress can be a major trigger for symptoms of schizophrenia.
[Note—I can hear the Sherpas laughing and singing nearby. I love this type of brotherhood, it's something missing so much in the UK.]
Lukla has improved so much since I was last here in 2006. Although Lukla is still very rugged, there are more shops and even a few bakeries and an Irish bar! I have asked if we can get a Guinness there but I don’t think it’s possible. But plenty of other beers and whiskey and Baileys!
October 17th 6am.
I have just heard the 1st twin otter take off. Makes me wonder where the people have been and if they found success on their journey? I have slept quite well. I will relax here until 7am and then we will make our way to the lodge dining area for breakfast.
We leave for Chutenga at 10am, and arrive at 1:30pm. Chutenga has grown since I was last here, and instead of the 3 huts I remember there are now seven. I feel very pleased with today and was expecting the walk to take more than the 3 hours in total. It is now 3pm and the tents are being erected. We have had lunch, Sherpa stew, then dal baht, which is mainly rice with lentils.
The view of our ascent tomorrow and the peaks of the surrounding mountains are obscured by clouds. The temperature has now dropped dramatically. I still feel very confident. At the moment Martin and myself are the only foreigners here. The route is far less active than other routes in the Himalayas and you really do feel amongst the wilderness. The lodges are very bare made from logs and stone.
I feel no symptoms of stress and feel no symptoms of altitude sickness, no loss of breath.
[Note—The Sherpas are singing their traditional songs again as they drink in the lodges.]
Thoughts on my climb of Mera Peak:
I have concerns about a tooth. The filling has dropped out and it feels very loose. The other concern, which is always on my mind, is sleep deprivation. In 2006 I had to cut down my medication—Seroquel—which at altitude seemed to bring on breathing problems and greater sedation. But cutting down my medication meant I did not sleep well and sleep deprivation causes stress, which can trigger symptoms of schizophrenia.
I can clearly remember in 2006, when I was at much higher altitude and I had not slept well for a couple of nights, becoming quite fearful in my tent about a snow leopard above me on the mountain’s edge. I was sure a leopard was stalking me and wanted to harm me during the night. I was of course slightly delusional, but it’s this type of thing that causes me concern when I don’t sleep. My mind becomes overactive with unreal concerns and fears.
7:20pm.
It is expected to be minus 10 tonight. It feels very cold and as yet both myself and Martin have not acclimatised to the cold. We have rented some very good sleeping bags, which should be ok for minus 30. Martin is already feeling he may be experiencing the first signs of altitude sickness, so he has taken diamox. He has a headache and is feeling nauseous too.
[Note—Diamox is known to help relieve symptoms of AMS.
AMS—Acute Mountain Sickness. Symptoms are due to fluid accumulation in the brain tissue and can range from mild to severe.]
October 18th
6:36am.
I have developed a cough during the night and my lungs do not feel that good. One of the many things you have to keep an eye on here in the mountains is HAPE—High Altitude Pulmonary Edema—which can be fatal, caused by an accumulation of fluid in or around the lungs. HAPE can be mistaken for a chest infection. A cough can be a sign of HAPE!
1pm.
We left for Kharki-Teng just after 9:30am. The journey, although steep, took us only 3 hours. In 2006, due to the severe weather, it took me much longer. Again, a hopeful sign for success. I feel very happy with my fitness. There are only 4 huts here and the views are fantastic looking back towards the Everest region. Although I have a cough and my lungs feel a bit awkward, I feel very fine. It is amazing the difference here compared to 2006, no snow or ice. Everything is so powerful up here, the mountains are amazing, so wonderful.
Tomorrow we must climb the dreaded Chetara La. This should be easy compared to the difficulty of 2006. Chetara La has caused me great concern from the start, but although it will be hard I feel confident I can mange this ok. We will be ascending from just over 3000m to 4500m. It is clearly far less treacherous than 2006.
My mind is still firm. My fitness is strong.
6:20pm.
I’m sitting in the tent having just finished tea. The food has been good, plenty of soup, Sherpa stew and more dal bhat. There is a lot on offer and both myself and Martin feel we have too much to eat and the Sherpas keep bringing more and we feel we have to eat it!!!
I have told our lead Sherpa Mingma that neither of us can eat so much!
It is bloody cold! Both myself and Martin have not fully adjusted to the coldness yet, and are struggling to keep warm and comfortable in the tent.
Tonight I watched a beautiful sunset across the mountains. The beauty and calmness here is so profound and thought-provoking. My head is in a bit of a fuzz. I can feel the altitude now and feel somewhat different mentally and physically to how I felt earlier on. I’m sure I will adapt and all will be good.
Sunday October 19th.
Have just watched the sunrise over the mountains. Breakfast is due at 7am and then at 8:30am we will start the ascent on Chetara La.
Zetara Buk.
It has been an amazing walk today. I cannot believe it took us only two hours to ascend Chetara La, then another two hours onto Zetara Buk. I feel so good at the moment and very strong. Tonight we will stay in a lodge. It has started to snow, which is not a good sign, and if the snow persists it will cause trouble ahead and could make the climb twice as hard.
I have taken some diamox as a prevention to alleviate any potential symptoms of AMS. I have a slight headache and feel a little dizzy.
The climb to Chetara La reached an altitude of approx 4700m. We are now back to 4010m.
It’s freezing but the fire in the lodge is going to be lit soon. Martin is not feeling very bright and has stronger symptoms of AMS and is starting to look quite unwell. He has a bad headache and is feeling quite sick. I will keep a close eye on him.
7pm.
Martin is not well at all. He has taken diamox. His face is quite red and he has a severe headache. Luckily we are descending tomorrow back to 3800m, so, in theory, that should offer him some relief. I had a feeling he might suffer with AMS at some point, being his first visit to the mountains and coming so high. I will keep a watchful eye on him and wake him occasionally to make sure he gets some warm fluid inside him.
I am slightly concerned at the moment, but feel his experience of AMS is quite natural and to be expected. If he does not improve once we descend then he may have to be rescued by helicopter. It’s the safest option. AMS kills.
We are still 5 days away from the final ascent on Mera. Once we are at high camp, we will leave at 1am for the 8hr ascent up to 6500m. We will be roped up. It all sounds exciting to me but bloody exhausting!
[Note—I have just looked out the window at the stars. Because we are so high there are 10 times as many stars in the sky than what I see in the UK. I feel closer to the Gods.]
Tomorrow we descend to Kothe. I have suggested to Mingma we stay there for a couple of days to wash and get ourselves clean, and to give Martin the ability to fully recover at lower altitude.
Food still comes in plenty. I have now started to pour the soup back into the terrine or throw it outside the window. The Sherpas make a big effort with food and I feel obliged to eat it or pretend to eat it! But there is too much! And they feel a little insulted if we don’t eat it. So, throwing it outside the window or outside the tent saves my stomach and saves their feelings! It works for me!
Our lead Sherpa Mingma has spoken with us about the summit on Mera, and told us a tragic story of a French climber who did not listen to him whilst climbing Makalu. Mingma warned the climber that if he carried on he may die, because the weather was so bad, but the climber continued by himself assuming all would be ok. Mingma and the other guide did not follow because they understood the dangers, and when they went to find the French climber the following day he had disappeared, never to be seen again.
Mingma wanted to be sure we would listen to him, and if he judged anything too dangerous and he suggested we should go no further we would listen to him. I obviously reassured Mingma he was in control and his word was final when it came to the final ascent.
October 20th
Today has been the hardest walk so far. I feel totally exhausted. We walked for 6 hours full of tough ascents and steep descents. Last time I can remember the walk taking two days, so to handle it in 6 hours feels so good and builds my confidence.
Kothe 3800m has grown a lot since 2006. Back then it was a Maoist village/checkpoint, but now all that has disappeared and it has settled into being a tourist village.
My lungs are hurting today and I am still coughing. I feel I have a slight temperature. I do not think it is HAPE but a chest infection. I am sleeping well.
Martin has improved greatly. It was so helpful that we descended, and a known cure to help relieve symptoms of AMS. My medication is worrying me the higher we get. I am currently on 400mg of Seroquel and feel slightly nervous the closer we get to Mera. We are now going to ascend ascend ascend and get into real high altitudes.
[Note—I have decided that if my medication brings on breathing problems and greater sedation I will cut down to 200mg. I must add that the breathing problems take away a good night's sleep. I'm not sure how to handle it all at the moment. In theory, because I am quite tired from the walking, I should be able to survive on 200mg a night and feel tired enough to sleep. I am currently on 400mg Seroquel.]
October 21st
We rest today. The weather here is beautiful and we are close to the forest and the surrounding mountain summits are wonderful. My thighs are very painful and adjusting to all the walking. In theory, we should be attempting the summit of Mera in the next four days. I still feel confident, but know how hard it will be for me. At this moment I feel it may be the last time I attempt such things. When back in the UK, I don’t think I remember how hard it is in the Himalayas. I also feel my body has been through so much in the past years, not just my mental health but I have had to battle with my body’s reaction to my diagnosis and medication for many years and at this moment it feels exhausted.
But no doubt, if I do summit Mera I will want to go higher—Everest!
[Note—Pasang has paid a lot of attention to my swiss knife. I have decided (because I think he is a good Sherpa) to give it to him at the end of the trek. I like him and would like him to have this knife as a gift for his companionship and for carrying the heavy film equipment.]
October 22nd
Taqnaq. Approx 4300m.
We have now moved onto Taqnaq. The route was quite dangerous. Hours of walking through a rocky valley which is known for avalanches. So, at points when feeling exhausted, we had to move fast and be aware of the pending rock fall.
Tomorrow we will make our way up towards Khare then stay the night. From Khare we will move onwards to the Mera glacier—Mera la, then up to high camp.
I am feeling quite excited to be so close to the final ascent. So far, all feels well and I don’t feel effected by my Seroquel and although my lungs don’t feel very good, things are not getting worse.
I know the real test will begin tomorrow. Once we ascend 600m to Khare we have decided to have another rest day to acclimatise. Martin seems well now and although he has found parts of this journey quite hard, he is coping and adapting very well.
I am asking myself why do I do this? I am putting myself under extreme stress both mentally and physically. I know I want to promote positive schizophrenia but as I look to the views in front of me, I know I am also here because there is no other place like it in the world. It is infectious, the mountains, the views make it all so worth while.
I am wearing many layers. Trying to keep warm. I have three sets of thermals on, two fleeces and a jacket and I’m laying here in an arctic sleeping bag. There are some small rocks underneath me, so I am not feeling very comfortable at the moment but my main priority is to keep warm.
Khare. October 23rd
I did not sleep well and felt quite sedated whilst making our way to Khare. Suddenly everything has become very difficult and I feel worried. En route I had to stop many times because my heart was racing and I felt I had lost all energy and could not breathe properly.
I was feeling fine until I took my Seroquel at night, and within 10 minutes I was feeling dizzy and my breathing became uncomfortable, as though there was not enough air.
My thoughts are very negative today. As we rested for lunch, I could see images in the mountains of failure, negative signs of potential disaster, signs I should turn back and it was fated I would fail.
As I look to the mountains I can see god-like figures, the powers that be, in the snow pointing their hands down towards a skeleton-type body. This concerns me. Usually when I receive signs they are signs of goodness and hope. I know it is just my mind working against me because I feel so low, but these signs can be so powerful, have so much meaning.
October 24th
Khare. Approx 5000m.
Again I have not slept well. We were planning to move onwards to the Mera Glacier but have decided to have a rest day today in the hope I will feel better tomorrow. Mingma suggested we climb a nearby hill up to 5200m in the hope we could stay there for a few hours to help me adjust to the altitude. Although I was feeling rough I tried the climb but had to come down. My heart beat was irregular and I felt quite sedated.
I decided it was best for me to descend and felt I may make myself worse if I carried on. So I stayed in the tent for the rest of the day trying to relax and relieve my symptoms.
I now have real doubts about the final climb. If I feel like this tomorrow I will have no option but to stay put!
I now have no option but to try and take only 200mg of Seroquel to alleviate these symptoms and hope I feel stronger and less sedated tomorrow. But that means an even greater risk of sleep deprivation.
[Note—I watched a lammergeyer as it circled over Khare. I saw it as a good sign. Although doubts are strong, the lammergeyer gave me hope. As it kept on landing nearby then taking off, I reminded myself that sometimes although we may fall we can always fly once again.]
October 25th
7:41am.
Today we make our way up to Mera La—”La” mean pass. I feel better this morning but tired. I only took 200mg of Seroquel last night. I did not sleep that well but I feel more alive today. We were supposed to be climbing 1000m to Mera high camp but I have refused. It is strongly recommended that tourists should only ascend approx 300m per day. I feel the 1000m climb to Mera high camp would be too dangerous and exhausting for me, especially as the following day would be another 500m to the summit.
Mingma has accepted that we need to camp half way. People do die on Mera and the main killer is AMS and ascending too quickly. The helicopter rescues here at Khare are a constant reminder of the potential harm people face at these altitudes and I have other things to cope with on top of the normal hazards.
At the moment I am not feeling confident I can summit.
5pm.
We have made our way to the edge of the Mera glacier and will camp the night here. The walk was quite easy for me and I feel ok. I can see the summit very clearly and now feel very confident I can achieve this climb. I cannot let myself fail now, I have come so far.
Tomorrow we will make the walk along Mera la to high camp. It should take approximately 4 hours.
The views here are spectacular. As they are everywhere. Once we are at high camp we will rest until 1am the following morning, and then make the final 8 hour round trip to the summit and back.
I have decided to only take another 200mg tonight. I hope all will be ok.
October 26th
Mera High Camp.
Have just completed a tough 4hr walk to Mera high camp. We are now camped beside a huge rock and there are about 6 other small groups here. We left at 8:30am and arrived at approx 12:30pm. I did not sleep well last night and feel quite exhausted.
The views from the Mera glacier back towards the Everest region are superb. You can see the whole of Everest and the Makalu range to the right. My camera is having problems at this altitude and is failing to work. From what I can see on the LCD I may have caught one good photograph of Everest.
But the camera seems to be doing its own thing and it’s far too cold for me to play about trying to make it work properly.
The walk up to Mera high camp is very exposed and open to severe elements.
My breathing is laboured at this height and the walk was quite hard. We will rest for the day now. The tents have been erected and I need to get some sleep as we leave at 1am for the final summit.
I am feeling emotionally exhausted. Physically I feel strong and my body is coping well apart from my cough and my chest which is still painful. I have no irregular heart beat and do not feel sedated. I just wish I could switch my mind off.
7pm.
I am trying to get some sleep but can’t sleep. I feel so exhausted emotionally and just wish I could sleep.
October 27th
Back to Khare from High Camp.
Devastation for me. We could not ascend. The weather had changed for the worse and groups turned back. The Sherpas had decided people could be at risk. It was a 2am start. I was out of it and did not feel well at all. In my exhaustion and need for sleep I took Seroquel at about 11pm, because I needed some sleep and could not switch my mind off. I was emotionally exhausted and not thinking straight. When we were woken at 2am I was very sedated. I took the Seroquel in hope I would be able to wake and feel ok. I asked Mingma if I could sleep more and wanted to try and climb at 6 or 7am but was told it was impossible.
So I got prepared, as this was my only chance to summit. We were roped up and fully equipped. As we began to walk in the dark I was all over the place and could barely stand upright. Then more bad luck happened. My head torch stopped working, then my trekking pole snapped in half and the zip broke on my jacket.
This was the breaking point for me. My tolerance was very low and I took it as a bad omen and that I should turn back and give up on summiting. I had also decided I was putting myself and Martin and the Sherpas in danger.
It had been suggested that the wind chill was below minus 30.
We made our way back down Mera La to Khare at 9am. I feel very low as though I have failed and have come to the conclusion I cannot attempt such feats whilst on medication. The walk back to Khare has been exhausting, I feel so tired and just need to sleep.
October 28th
Back to Taqnaq.
I am really fed up and exhausted, although once back at Khare I slept most of the day. The walk was exhausting. I was swearing and cursing all the way because I felt so tired. The bad weather is setting in. Mingma and other Sherpas have said they do not think any other groups will manage to summit Mera this season. The weather has completely turned and the snow is falling. It is very cold and I am already dreading the climb down from Chetara La. There will be snow and ice and we will have to be roped up. It will be dangerous, as simple as that.
Both Martin and I feel exhausted.
I feel I have tried my best and am trying to recognise that not summiting was out of my control. At this moment I have decided not to come again, nor to push myself to these extreme limits both physically and mentally. Maybe it’s all just too much. And I wish to achieve the impossible for someone with my past and my diagnosis.
Afterthoughts.
3rd November 10am.
I am now in Lukla. The route back to Lukla was very hard. The weather has been freezing and there has been much snow and ice. The climb down Chetara La was very dangerous and exhausting. Both Martin and I had nearly 4 hours of having to watch every footstep in fear of slipping and falling. It was so dangerous that neither Martin nor the Sherpas were unable to film the descent.
The uncertainty and lack of experience on snow and ice made things worse for both of us.
My chest is hurting and I am coughing all the time. As I listen from my bed I can hear the twin otters taking off. This time tomorrow morning I will be back in Kathmandu. I feel more settled now and far less tired. I know I have tried my best, I can accept that.
As I look back on this journey, it has not been a journey over the past weeks but for many years and in many ways it has been a miracle that I am able to be here in the Himalayas at all.
I have learnt that I cannot attempt such feats whilst I am on medication. So, maybe before I come back to attempt other heights I will have to be medication-free. I believe this is the only choice I have if I am to succeed further in the Himalayas.
I keep apologising to Martin for failing to summit. He is here to film the climb for a documentary about my life. But, maybe, the success is that I am able to be here at all.
I now have 5 days in Kathmandu before I have to fly back to the UK. I will use this valuable time to relax and reflect.
One of the many things schizophrenia has taught me is to adapt, always adapt to one’s situation and always try to work with one’s position in that time and space to its full potential.
So, when I arrive back in the UK, I will fully adapt to the fact I did not summit and have full understanding that although one dream has been lost, there are still many other dreams to live and conquer.
Stuart Baker-Brown is a prolific writer, a world-traveler, an award-winning photographer, and an avid outdoorsman. He works tirelessly to promote schizophrenia in a positive light.
***Another Beautiful Mind***
NAMI California.
Stuart Baker-Brown travels to countries where there is no stigma to celebrate in photographs his triumph over schizophrenia.
From The BBC by Stuart Baker-Brown, October 12, 2007
Stuart Baker-Brown, 43, a photographer and writer based in Dorset, was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1996. On World Mental Health Day, he delivers a unique personal insight into how his condition has nurtured his artistic expression:
"In the past, schizophrenia has broken my life and taken away many of life's opportunities, such as work and the ability to interact with society and family or even myself.
The symptoms have been very disabling and destructive and have included psychosis (delusion and hallucinations) which is understood to be a disturbance of sensory perception and creates the inability to recognise reality from the unreal.
Other daily symptoms, such as depression, suicidal thoughts, the feeling of being controlled by outside forces, paranoia and fear of persecution, have made life very difficult to cope with.
There is also the stigma and discrimination attached to the condition, especially the perceived link to violence - less than 1% of those diagnosed are violent towards others.
I believe the condition is very misunderstood, especially the link with creativity.
The Russian dancer Vaslav Nijinsky; Nobel prize winner in economics, John Nash (A Beautiful Mind); novelist, poet and writer, Jack Kerouac; and musicians such as Peter Green, Syd Barrett and James Beck Gordon have all either experienced, or are believed to have experienced, schizophrenia in some form.
Confusion
The condition has also been linked to the families of Tennessee Williams and Albert Einstein. Psychologists believe that schizophrenia personality is also associated to the likes of Vincent Van Gogh, Emily Dickinson and Isaac Newton.
Many people with schizophrenia are naturally creative and turn to the arts to release their inner thoughts and emotions and to express the meaning of their symptoms.
In my experience, schizophrenia is potentially a very creative tool which, as yet, has not been understood or recognised and is mistreated and so its powerful symptoms manifest as confusion and destruction.
I am now in a very fortunate position and my creativity is beginning to be achieved. My symptoms have eased greatly, due to my own personal belief and will to survive and finding a medication, Seroquel, that truly works with me.
Like other artists, such as Philippa King and Aidan Shingler, who share my condition, I am harnessing my creative side and now using my symptoms to work for me rather than against. This works for me in both writing and other art forms.
The symptoms feed me the tools to become creative. I seem to be thinking all the time and the psychosis is not necessarily destructive. The experience of a hallucination can often be recalled in the creation of artwork or poetry, for example.
Mount Schizophrenia
Much of my writing captures my life with schizophrenia, my past symptoms and experiences. I turn these into short stories or my novel, The Man Who Can, which is a story based on my life and my journey from the spiralling tunnel of darkness towards the bright sky of light.
I also have many sketches of images that have appeared in my thoughts or have appeared in front of me when I have laid relaxing in my bed or even walking along the street.
The subjects of my photography are given added meaning, such as Mount Everest, which represents "Mount Schizophrenia" and my struggles in life.
Sometimes it feels that the symptoms of my condition are very naturally creative and often without any prompting my imagination comes alive. My mind, as others with the condition, is often very stimulated, as if on a more heightened awareness than people without it.
But the problem is expressing what I see or hear because strong cognitive difficulties - such as memory loss, disorganized thoughts, difficulty concentrating and completing tasks - impair my ability to enhance and capture my true creative potential.
Unfortunately psychiatry leans far more towards controlling schizophrenia, rather than showing understanding towards a patient's true needs and potential capabilities.
There needs to be far more emphasis on working with the symptoms. A far greater holistic approach needs to be adopted.
The link with creativity and schizophrenia has always been evident. Yet research into the understanding of these links has been very limited.
Thankfully, East Carolina University, the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, and the National Institutes of Health in Britain are starting to research the links between schizophrenia and aspects of human creativity and cognition.
I personally believe that we are at the very beginning of having a true understanding of schizophrenia and its symptoms.
Let's hope that after so much misunderstanding, this new research will open much-needed and refreshing doors to the truth."
Source: The BBC
Link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7037314.stm
---------------American Chronicle---------------
Interview-Donna Williams and Stuart Baker-Brown.
Donna Williams (born 1963 in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia) is a best-selling author, artist, singer-songwriter and screenwriter.
http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/52099
I´m interviewing an adventurer of inner worlds and an explorer of Everest. He´s a man who has reached the professional heights of photographic art, the spiritual depths of becoming a relatively balanced human, and the chaos of schizophrenia. He´s a fascinating man, welcome to an interview with Stuart Baker-Brown.
DONNA:
Hi Stuart, thanks for agreeing to be interviewed. How about we start with you introducing yourself, the person. Then, if you like, feel free to also introduce the condition you are the manager of.
STUART:
This seems to be the hardest question. At this moment, I have a stronger idea of who I may be. Yet, there is still so much to discover, a true identity to establish.
DONNA:
I have a quote which goes: "I am always my self in the becoming of it". I think we become different selves as we encounter new experiences, move through life, discard or re-structure some of the old, embrace and come to identify with some of the new.
STUART:
Yes, I agree. I know I am in the process of developing a new identity as a documentary photographer, a wishful career as a writer. I am, for sure, an activist for greater understanding and treatment towards severe mental illness, especially that of schizophrenia. Having been diagnosed myself in 1996. I was born in East London, a product of the 60´s, a twin to Duncan, older brother to Byron. I currently live with ´Beau´ my wonderful Bearded Collie, in the Cerne Valley Dorset, South West England. Now, he is beautiful!
DONNA:
Yes, I´ve seen some of your wonderful photos of him. Of course I should mention that your professional photography extends far beyond photographing your dog! How did Beau figure in your recovery from schizophrenia?
STUART:
Most of my adult life has been controlled by the symptoms of schizophrenia, which was fully triggered by my involvement with marching on the streets of Moscow in 1991, against the communist hardliners who attempted a coup, against the then Russian leader Mikhail Gorbachev. On my return to London I began to fear persecution from the then KGB. Anxiety and paranoia began to quickly and devastatingly take control and unbeknown to me, I was falling into the abyss of schizophrenia.
Beau came into my life in 2002. The year was a major turning point. I had been awarded a Winston Churchill Travel Fellowship, which gave me funding for my first trek to Nepal, to Everest Base Camp 2003. I found Seroquel and I found Beau. He has helped me greatly with his companionship and loyalty. His enthusiasm to get out and have fun helped me to get back into good physical shape. He has helped with the greater stability of my mind. He has taught me how easy it is to start enjoying life. His message to me has been simple, yet profound.
DONNA:
It may sound strange but for most people with mood and anxiety disorders, we´d have struggled to not replay and freak out about such a wild experience. But your schizophrenia was a particular shade of that.
STUART:
I did freak out. For many years I felt persecuted and very paranoid. There was a possible truth about my situation. But now, as I look back, I believe my paranoia and fears were fuelled more by ´home beliefs´ about the KGB, more so, than any possible experience of persecution. But, the stress and the anxiety triggered full blown schizophrenia. It was a very uncomfortable time for me. The fear of being harmed for my involvement with the marching, as a foreigner involving themselves with USSR politics, lasted many years. I was stuck between paranoia and possible truth.
I am now recovered. My schizophrenia, although destructive, has taught me much. I have learnt pain can have it´s purpose. We must always learn from it. It teaches us many things and can cause us to question life in ways, that we would have not done so, without it!
DONNA:
I can totally relate to that. My autism includes a mood, anxiety and compulsive disorders. Each of these engaged with me, the person, demanding I adapt and advocate in order to function but also taught me much about diversity and equality in difference. It´s a journey in itself. But in your case it´s lead to actual travel as part of your spiritual journey.
STUART:
I enjoy travel, especially to the Himalayas. The mountains are like Gods to me, both mother and father. I believe it´s a good thing to stretch our own boundaries. Travel gives us the experience of new cultures and beliefs, it simply does broaden the mind. I sometimes work with the media, using my travels to promote positive schizophrenia. I also speak about my life, to audiences, both in the UK and abroad.
DONNA:
Speaking of media, you´re also a writer and a blogger, among other artistic branches of your life.
STUART:
I have written quite a few articles now, which have appeared in medical journals and on the BBC News website. I love writing, have always wanted to be an author. I am currently writing my 1st novel ´The Man Who Can´, which is based on my life experiences with my condition. It may take a while! The need to be involved in the Arts is deep routed. Photography and writing is in my blood, it shakes my bones. Its heart beats at the tips of my fingers, at the centre of my eye, waiting, eagerly waiting.
DONNA:
I see autism as a range of different ´fruit salads´. As a person diagnosed with autism who has sensory perceptual, language processing, gut, immune, metabolic but also mood, anxiety and compulsive disorders as part of MY autism fruit salad, I can imagine your dance with paranoid schizophrenia was a kind of fruit salad in itself, and one which produced some pretty ´autistic´ moments and ´autistic´ phases in your own life. What do you think of that idea? That non-autistic people can have ´autistic´ moments, ´autistic´ phases?
STUART:
Well, schizophrenia is known for having profound cognitive difficulties, the inability of expression, to process information and interpret that information as others would do. The ability to enhance and capture true potential, can be impaired greatly by the likes of memory loss, disorganized thoughts, difficulty concentrating and completing tasks.
Every individual can experience these difficulties, with or without a diagnoses of mental illness. I believe symptoms of autism, like symptoms of schizophrenia, can be found in most people. But in a much milder form. We can all have difficulty with communication, the use of language, the interpretation of information, Autistic moments. Feel paranoid, hear voices, fear persecution, moments of schizophrenia.
I dance with Autistic and Schizophrenia moments every day. As with every dance, the key is to learn the steps, the routine. To dance with your partner well.
As for my fruit salad, there seems to be a lot more in my bowl than just fruit. A concoction of mixtures that myself and others do not understand, with nuts, I don´t like nuts!
DONNA:
Very cute. I love that commercial for fruit and nut chocolate which uses a little jingle ´Everyone´s a fruit and nut case´ which is put to the music of Tchaikovsky´s Nutcracker Suite.
A considerable percentage of people with autism have serious co-occurring mood, anxiety and compulsive disorders though often these things are mistaken for ADHD, autistic withdrawal or obsessive interests, and considered ´part of the autism´. I´m sure you´ve found similar overlap between spiritual experiences and schizophrenia. It´s a matter of where an EXPERIENCE begins and a debilitating mental health DISORDER takes over.
Do you find that a tough balancing act? Is it hard to tell when you´ve tipped the balance? do you think that spirituality and spiritual experiences are presumed by others as ´part of the schizophrenia´ and have you found it hard to tell when that line has been crossed
STUART:
In the past yes, it was very hard to work out. The symptoms of schizophrenia can be so strong and can leave the sufferer unable to work out reality from the unreal.
DONNA:
Yes, as part of my mood disorder, I´ve experienced some pretty nutty beliefs at both the manic and depressive peaks and troughs. And its so hard in those states to shake them. I guess the difference is that with rapid cycling, they are then gone an hour or so later. Hopefully, one hasn´t acted on the wildest of them. For example I´ve had acute depressive swings in which I´m so certain I´m ugly to look at and that all people who ever liked me were just being polite and that I should kill myself. It´s really compelling when in that and almost impossible to reason with. In manic episodes I´ve thought I could fly (knew I´d smash my body trying but didn´t care as it would set my spirit free) of that cars couldn´t hit me so I´d march out in front of them. Now even when not in bipolar episodes, I can see the thin logic there but at the time it feels rock solid.
STUART:
I can strongly relate to all your words above. I think strong recognition of symptoms is a key to understanding and dealing with these feelings. For me, symptoms of paranoia and fear of persecution, was always very hard to deal with. It has caused a lot of havoc in my life. But I used hindsight and over a period of time, I realised that my concerns were unjustified, as I had come to no harm, from those I feared.
DONNA:
Yeah, that´s very like reality testing in OCD. I have been plagued by OCD stuff since late childhood and often felt that if I didn´t do a certain pattern repetition that I would die or be responsible for the deaths of others. Progressively I came to doubt it by holding back and finding nothing bad happened. But still, as an adult, I have to hold back from straightening things or putting them right side up just because some nutso part of me says that if I don´t then deaths will occur. It´s so laughably nuts, but those who don´t have this can´t imagine how that grip in one´s guts really dominates reason. With OCD one can train oneself to not side with this stuff, not be bullied by it. I figure that has some parallels with what you´re describing.
STUART:
I have experienced symptoms of schizophrenia for many years. I now feel very capable of recognising when symptoms become active. Recognition of my symptoms and understanding how they may present themselves has been a great defence. I am my own best doctor and judge of my condition. I have learned about my symptoms through deep personal insight and can now clearly work out when the balance does become slightly tipped. Good self awareness is the key. This has taken me some years to understand and perfect.
As for the question about spiritual experiences being presumed by others as an illness. Yes, for sure. Any possible psychic/spiritual belief, clearly is diagnosed as part of the illness of schizophrenia, as psychosis. I have some of my psychiatric notes at home with me and the psychiatrists clearly states: The male line has been schizophrenic in each generation. My psychiatrist made this statement after a conversation with me about psychic activity, myself and my father and grandfather had experienced. She clearly states that all my family on the male side have severe mental illness. Without ever meeting any other member of my family!
DONNA:
Ha ha, then any highly sensing individual in a family could be deemed schizophrenic, wow. And OCD is full of magical thinking, so I guess we could say anyone with OCD traits could be deemed schizophrenic by that definition. How funky. How klunky ;-)
STUART:
My grandfather was very well respected in London for his psychic ability. He helped many people, he never had any sign of mental illness. He was a good business man and very successful in his life.
DONNA:
Yes, in fact this inner world sensing thing is often part of the idiosyncratic personality trait. It´s a shame society pathologises what is often part of a natural personality trait and the cognition and biochemistry associated with it. It´s like looking at a spec of dust and being afraid it may become a pile of dirt. That´s nuts!
STUART:
It´s a fact in life, that many strange things happen. Millions of people around the world have psychic/spiritual experiences and beliefs. I feel that simply viewing the abnormal as an illness is extremely ignorant. And stops the progress of understanding towards the mind and the likes of schizophrenia.
Yes, psychosis is a very powerful and misleading tool in which can lead to many disturbing experiences. But does that make all experiences an illness? We know nothing of the mind.
DONNA:
True. And Einstein is cited as an archetypal example of that idiosyncratic trait, the extreme of which is Schizo typal Personality ´Disorder´. He certainly had a wildly fluid mind and was way willing to think outside of the box.
STUART:
I feel quite proud of the schizophrenia side to me. It´s the misunderstanding and stigma attached to it, which causes me to lower my head. Many great artists and scientists who have influenced the way we think, have been linked to schizophrenia and other conditions. I think schizophrenia can potentially be, as other conditions, a very creative tool. This has yet to be truly recognised. Where psychic activity is concerned, some psychics/clairvoyants believe people with schizophrenia are very psychic in many ways but the psychic activity and awareness is confused by the condition.
DONNA:
Yes, I´ve heard that.
I think you could say that some idiosyncratic´s and solitaries have very strong inner worlds and these can become too isolating, too deep, and people can get lost in their own labyrinths. Many autistic people have these personality traits, but there´s also a higher rate of schizophrenia diagnosed in those with these traits. Could be that every strength has its weaknesses, every weakness has its strengths.
STUART:
The police use spiritualism/psychics for investigations, millions upon millions of people across the world turn to psychics or have their own experiences, even governments have used psychics for spying.
Spiritualism has played a huge part in mans life since the dawn of time. At the moment, western society is dominated by the progress of science and so spiritual beliefs seem alien.
Psychiatry are of course allowed to have their own point of view. It is their right. The trouble comes when, as it did with me, that any alternative belief or experience I held, was put down to my illness. I was delusional, suffering psychosis. Their narrow minded opinions and lack of understanding towards my beliefs, caused me much confusion. In the end I began to hide my experiences and beliefs in fear of their actions.
DONNA:
And that´s where the grounding potential of reality testing stops. Because you aren´t free to dialogue about your thoughts.
STUART:
You have to remember, the psychiatrist has huge power over someone like me. Their views are held in greater value than mine. If they deemed me ill, because of my spiritual experiences, this then can add weight for them to section me, just because they do not share my beliefs.
Its about time psychiatry looked deeply at themselves and started to truly analyse their own views and behavior. See how destructive it can be. I have felt more ´policed´ by psychiatry than cared for.
We all see the world from our own angles and perception. It´s about time we all truly widened our eyes and looked at things with far more vision. If this was to be achieved then I believe it would open up a far greater understanding of the mind and its fantastic capabilities.
DONNA:
It´s true that the world of belief, of questioning, wondering, of dreaming and creating, are at risk of being stifled in a world that becomes so xenophobic that all signs of potential pathology can trigger over reactions.
I know in my case a very low dose of Seroquel has dramatically reduced tics I´ve had since infancy, OCD stuff I´ve had since late childhood, Exposure Anxiety I´ve had all my life and Rapid Cycling Bipolar stuff I´ve had since age 3. Seroquel is approved for both Bipolar and Schizophrenia and, having read your experiences with Schizophrenia, there´s a lot of overlap between episodes of psychotic mania, psychotic depression and severe mixed states in Rapid Cycling Bipolar and what you´ve gone through.
STUART:
The symptoms of schizophrenia can be vast and incorporate the likes of bipolar, psychosis, anxiety, agoraphobia-the list goes on. The condition can differ with each individual, yet, there are so many similarities. Symptoms such as the voices, psychosis, false and irrational beliefs, thought disorder, suicidal thoughts, depression, lack of motivation, the feeling of being controlled by outside forces and of course the paranoia and fear of persecution can be recognised in most cases, yet the experience and cause of those symptoms can be unique
Treatment can be singular. What works for one, may not work for the other. I was fortunate in finding Seroquel in 2002. It not only helped my life but saved my life. Nowadays, I live with very little symptoms. From memory I started at 750mg and now only take 200mg. Which is a very small dose for my diagnosis.
It mixes with my fruit salad well. A sauce that makes the taste far more palatable.
Seroquel has helped to control my symptoms much better than any other medication. And I experience no recognisable side effects. Side effects from other medication have been very destructive, equal, to dealing with a separate illness to my schizophrenia.
Seroquel has controlled my symptoms and opened up a new life to me. It helps me to become a photographer, helps me to travel and to be on more equal terms with life and myself. It opens doors that were once tightly closed.
DONNA:
Are there other important environmental, spiritual, cognitive practices which are also important parts of holistic management of your condition?
STUART:
Cognitive practices-cognitive meaning the way we process and interpret information-Writing is a cognitive practice. Keeping a daily journal, which truly reflects my emotions and how I feel about difficult situations is always useful, as a point of reflection, recording information that may seem somewhat confused and being able to analyse it later on.
Talk is always a good therapy. My judgement and interpretation of events sometimes lacks clarity. Recognition of this and getting feedback from friends about a situation I may find confusing or difficult has become a valuable tool. So, using others to clarify a situation for me, the way I may act and perceive a situation-is itself, a practice, in helping me to understand a misinterpretation of events.
Important spiritual practices. I have learnt a lot from my travels to the Himalayas and experiencing Buddhism first hand. I have always accepted others, their beliefs and cultures in life but have always felt that many are unwilling to understand me in return. I have found that stigma and discrimination towards my diagnoses can strike at every corner. Acceptance of my diagnosis and the labels that come with it has given me great strength in life. My spiritual practice with this is to just be open and as understanding as I can towards others and how they may view me. I fully accept that some will see the good man I strive to be, where others step far away and cannot see beyond my diagnosis. Stigma and discrimination is born through fear and lack of understanding. I accept this happens and that acceptance and understanding, putting myself in others shoes, helps to keep me strong.
Environmental practices. Its always helpful and secure to be amongst safe surroundings. Yet, sometimes if we do not widen our horizons, we can become trapped. It has helped me greatly to get back into the open world and beyond my limited boundaries. I have learned that the negative responses I sometimes have around me, has sometime made me feel that the whole world is against me. Being able to travel and experience new views and feelings has been very rewarding and refreshing.
Expanding my horizons beyond my own enforced boundaries, has shown me that the world is far greater and accepting place than what I believed.
DONNA:
Relationships, employment, things like that haven´t come easy for you. Sure, there´s instant fear for some people of the label of schizophrenia or bipolar for that matter, but do you also feel that its hard to be fully or consistently present in relationships and employment when also interacting, for management purposes, with one´s own mental health?
STUART:
The fear is totally unjustified. People relate schizophrenia to uncontrollable madness and violence. This is far from the truth. Yes, its unusual symptoms can be very frightening and seem very weird but I believe that´s only because the symptoms are very misunderstood and nobody, as yet, truly understands the experiences and language of schizophrenia.
We are not a set of people who intentionally harm others and are far more likely to harm ourselves over our fellow man. People are far more likely to be attacked by so called ´normal society´ than they are with someone with a severe mental illness. I think the figures suggest that less than 1% of people with schizophrenia harm others.
The fear and association of violence with my diagnosis hurts deeply and stems from press misrepresentation and the lack of correct information sourced to the general public.
Unfortunately a story about someone with schizophrenia attacking and harming, sells papers. Where are the stories of the horrible discrimination, mistreatment, abuse and attacks on those with schizophrenia? There´s plenty of them!
DONNA:
Yes, the same is true in the autism world. Most older children and teens with ASD in mainstream schools are bullied, sometimes daily for year on end. Then when someone with ASD kills, it becomes a sort of reflection on the label. Yet the everyday psychopathy of non-autistic people committed against those with ASD is considered ´normal´. Go figure.
STUART:
As for it being hard to be fully present in relationships. In the past yes. I was unable to communicate fully, unable to interact with society or fully interact with my wife. Although we were extremely close, I was unable to socialise with her with fear of being rejected by her friends because of the stigma and discrimination attached to schizophrenia. I was also unable to express myself, or hold a conversation. For some years I simply was incapable of being present in any relationship, with a friend or lover. I wasn´t even present in my own self. The symptoms of schizophrenia are very powerful and can take over the sufferers life, leaving them disabled and unable to communicate or move outside its forced boundaries.
Now my schizophrenia has virtually disappeared I can socialise well. I still fear talking to strangers because of rejection. This can make it very hard for me to initiate a new relationship, quite simply, I mention my past diagnosis and doors slam shut.
As for employment, I do a lot on a voluntary basis. To promote positive schizophrenia and recovery. I am very fortunate that my work tends to do a lot with promoting schizophrenia and involves people who want to support and help me. Kindred spirits in many ways. I feel it would be nearly impossible for me to get full time employment from anyone that has no understanding of schizophrenia. If I did get full time employment, I feel I would have to hide my diagnosis and no understanding of my needs would be truly offered.
DONNA:
You´re hoping to climb Everest. It´s a marvelous parallel with your own daily dance in maintaining hard won equilibrium living in the same body with paranoid schizophrenia, Stuart the person, and Stuart the condition.
How do you feel about climbing Everest? Where does it figure in that assertion of personhood?
STUART:
Everest is symbolic of my own mountain of struggle with schizophrenia and the extreme effort it has taken me to overcome and control my symptoms. Everest also symbolises the great effort needed to fight the discrimination and stigma attached to severe mental illness, the world over.
I feel I have a huge point to make about the real me! My true capabilities, beyond somebody with a diagnoses of schizophrenia who would never amount to much. I have gained valuable recognition that I am greater than my diagnoses, through self belief, talking to friends and travel, contrary to how I was treated and viewed by others.
I feel that since my diagnosis my "identity" has been made for me, and I am Stuart Baker-Brown schizophrenic, and labeled, as many are with schizophrenia, as troublesome, a potential threat, delusional, odd, and generally as someone who should be avoided.
As though that´s all I am capable of being!
In reality the above is far from the truth and is a mistaken identity projected on me by many who know nothing about my illness. I am the first to admit, yes, I can be unintentionally troublesome but I have reasons. Many strange things have happened to me, which have scared me, caused confusion, and caused me to seem strange to others. But my real identity is a man who is greater than his illness, a man who cares and loves, and a man who strives to be good and strong and creative in life. A man who wants to help others and who is most definitely not a threat to society.
I don´t fear Everest, my desire to climb it. I fear never being able to raise the finances and losing the chance. I fear not being able to give the inspiration and hope for others who can not see a way forward with schizophrenia. I feel there is a lot at stake and want to climb Everest, not ´ because it is there´ as George Mallory quoted but ´because it needs doing´!
DONNA:
On that subject of personhood, I´ve seen your breathtaking photography. You´re chatting with a prolific artist here, though my media are painting and sculpture. Tell me about your photography and how that fits with your own ARTism and spirituality?
STUART:
I am forever in Pursuit of Reality. Symptoms of schizophrenia can include psychosis, which are hallucinations and delusions. I have experienced many strange and unexplained things in my life, which has made me question reality? My photography is documentary based, people and landscape. My work captures reality as we know it and helps me to capture one aspect of the truth. It enables me to reflect and to keep one foot on the ground!
I also seek beauty and understanding. Although this can be found all around me, here in the UK, I am in awe of the magnificence of the Himalayas. I seek to capture the colour and power, the uniqueness of each mountain, their immense presence in the world in which we live.
I am very attracted to the depth and beauty of Buddhism. The peace and tranquility, the understanding and acceptance towards others. Something I feel I have lacked in my own life. I try to capture the spirit in Buddhism, its inner beauty. Each photograph I capture is more than a picture, it has a purpose, a feeling. I work with my heart and believe that shows in the work I am starting to produce!
Photographic website-www.stuartbakerbrown.co.uk
DONNA:
Many of your photographs feature Everest and the Nepal/Tibetan people, want to expand on your connection to this place?
STUART:
I have always been fascinated by Everest and the Himalayas from a young child. This was ignited by stories of Sir Edmund Hillary´s success on Everest and reports of the mythical creature the Yeti. I have to add, I have now held a box with a Yeti scalp in it, which was shown to me whilst trekking in the Himalayas in 2003.
Both Nepal and Tibet represented a mystical far away land. I feel I have always been spiritual and valued personal/spiritual growth over material gain. Buddhism and its beliefs, as well as other beliefs in the Himalayas, really suits my own needs, away from the material growth many in western society seek for themselves.
Deep down I am a person who could live with the very basics in life, some good food, good company and support, warmth, brotherhood and love. Unfortunately, I live in a very materialistic society where you simply need money to survive and financial gain is often too easily represented as personal success.
Its great to sit around a fire, high up in the mountains, far away from cars, television. Or walk around Kathmandu. I try to capture the beauty, not only with my heart but with the lens of my camera and the written word.
DONNA:
You seem drawn to nature in general, as am I. Tell me about this relationship.
STUART:
I simply accept that all is linked from the smallest beetle to the brightest star. From the hardest rock to the softest blade of grass. The biggest wave in the ocean to the smallest drop of a tear. It saddens me the human race is so arrogant and thinks itself unique and individual from nature and all that is.
I think, in all honesty, I feel more attached to nature and the elements than I do with the human race.
This is something that attracts me deeply to the Himalayas and Buddhism. Sherpa´s, who follow the red hat sect of Buddhism, perceive the earth as mother earth, water is her blood, soil is her flesh and rocks are her bones. In death they will become one with the earth.
I have always felt this way. A deep inner feeling that has not been taught or even discovered. Its just there within.
DONNA:
You have a dog, Beau. I´m extremely solitary. I love animals but can´t handle anything or anyone watching, waiting, wanting (I wrote a book called Exposure Anxiety; The Invisible Cage, maybe that sums this up a bit), but you´re very attached to Beau. Tell me about HIM, about what HIS company means to you.
STUART:
Beau is an angel to me in many ways and has played his part in my mental and physical recovery. There was a time when I could not handle, as you say, watching, waiting and wanting. It was pressure I did not need. I became interested in finding a dog, not just for company, but to encourage me to walk and get fit. So, six years ago, I made a three hour journey to a farm in St Austell, Cornwall, South West England to view a group of 10-week-old cross collie puppies for sale. There I found Beau. He has helped change my life in many ways. The companionship, trust, loyalty and love he has shown me, has been second to none. His presence in my life has been calming, and has helped with the greater stability of my mind. He is my truest friend, my strongest companion.
His happiness and friendly enthusiasm often take away my concerns and the trials of my life. I believe Angels are messengers. Beau´s message to me is to remind me of the simplicity of life, the ease in which happiness and a smile can be found.
DONNA:
It´s not going to be easy to get to the Himalayas or purchase the gear you need for this great undertaking. What´s the plan?
STUART:
Well, I have most of the gear now. I have been to the Himalayas 4 times since 2003. Any extra equipment I need for potential climbs, can be hired in Kathmandu. My Sherpa Guide and friend Nuru, has all the extra equipment available.
I need to raise £25000 to pay for the actual Everest climb. But before I get to Everest I will be climbing Mera Peak Nepal 6500m, October this year. Im hoping that when I succeed with this climb, doors will open for Everest. And people will start to believe that I have the capabilities to succeed with my climbing ambitions.
DONNA:
Tell me about the documentary? White lantern film based in the UK have been following my life for the past 2 years now.
STUART:
White Lantern Film have been following me for the past two and half years. Filming my personal views and experiences with schizophrenia. Funding for the documentary is very hard to find. To get a film fully commissioned is like climbing a separate Everest in itself.
There has been quite a bit of interest in White Lanterns project with me. Examples and ideas for the documentary have been presented at the likes of the Cannes film festival. But a full commission has yet to be secured. The content and information about the documentary can be found on the One Mans Mountain website. www.onemansmountain.com
It will for sure, offer a deep insight into schizophrenia and will be a fascinating and unique documentary film to watch. With the purpose to educate, to inspire and promote positive recovery.
DONNA:
If people want to sponsor you being the first person with paranoid schizophrenia to climb Everest, would you accept donations large and small? And where would people donate?
STUART:
People can visit the One Mans Mountain website www.onemansmountain.com. All donations are very welcome.
DONNA:
I´ve met you through Sacha Vais, at Irked Magazine. Tell me more about Irked and what you been doing there?
STUART:
Sacha contacted me sometime ago, asking if I would contribute to Irked Magazine. Once I read about there values and aims I simply jumped at the chance to contribute. The magazine content and Sacha´s enthusiasm is nearly as infectious as my dog beau, and that´s a huge compliment! I have full agreement with the values and support Sacha and Irked magazine offers to people. I have the greatest admiration and respect for Sacha and what he is achieving, not only for himself but for others. He is simply a good man!
The Irked statement is below.
Irked is committed to the concept that people improve when they know someone is paying attention. We believe that people everywhere can become less sad, or worried, or angry, or violent, or self-destructive simply by being given a forum to publish their work, and the dignity that comes with that sort of thing. We aim to provide a non-judgemental space in which people can explore matters of the heart. www.irkedmagazine.com
DONNA:
Is there anything you want to ask me?
STUART:
Yes. The 1st question- what inspires you? How do you manage to work with your cognitive difficulties to create your writing and art. Where did you find your confidence, self belief that you could achieve all that you have achieved.
2nd-Yeah, when you come over to the land of Poms come and have a beer with me! Or two! If we get on, three!
DONNA:
Ha ha, very funny. I´ll start with the beer. I´m from a background of alcoholism, so I´ll make mine sparkling water… maybe 3 ;-)
As for self belief and confidence. Nah. Those are utterly irrelevant. With bipolar stuff, one is so elated in mania that confidence doesn´t figure and in depressive episodes confidence is irrelevant because neither state reflects the true confidence level of the person when not in episodes. I´d say I´m neither confident nor unconfident. When I start a work I have a pile of impulses competing for my gut, working through to my mind, cascading me with doubts and ideas racing at simultaneous speed until they both obliterate most conscious thought. This switches me over into ´channeling´ in a sense, I just give myself over to the art, its a bit like giving oneself over to God, perhaps its the same ;-) But I guess I could say a lot of my creativity is because I can´t trust mind, or confidence or stability, so I trust art. I share feelings through arts in ways verbal words stifle because of anxiety and being an extremely solitary type.
As for what inspires me? I feel all things speak; the rain, smells, movement, textures, everything. So whilst I spend most of my time alone, I never feel I´m without dialog because I´m surrounded always by interaction and dialog on many sensory levels,…its just often not speech. I love the entity of things, all things, and their patterns of inter-relationships. I guess I´m a natural anthropologist, but also the artist in me, the musician, the sculptor, the painter the writer, I see music in interactions, see sculpture in actions, see living paintings in the world around me.
Thanks for the interview Stuart.
Warmly,
Donna Williams
author, artist, composer, screenwriter
http://www.donnawilliams.net